It’s time for our Monday Laragmag original game of Beard/Befriend/Beyonce! This week took a lot of deliberation, so let’s get at it!

Beard: We know that Jessica Simpson had a power gay BFF, Ken Paves, before they split in 2010. So she would be the obvious choice for a Beard. But no, I’m throwing you all for a loop and I’m picking Jessica Biel. Her body is too amazing, what girl is that toned unless you’re a body builder!? Seriously, she might be a hermaphrodite, so her being a beard is just perfect.

Befriend: I’m all for my fellow Latina and even though Jessica Alba is more of a “White” Latina, don’t act like you don’t know what I’m talking about there are many out there, I still have to Befriend her to stay true to my roots. Eres mi nueva amiga Jessica, oh wait, she doesn’t speak Spanish. Translation: You’re my new friend Jessica!

Beyonce: Jessica Simpson is barely relevant anymore. That being said, when I think of Jessica Simpson, I think of Dukes of Hazzard, which she was unwatchable in and her reality show with Nick Lachey and I’m in a bit of a quandary. I loved her reality show, she was so vapid, it was captivating watching someone ask if tuna is really chicken, because it’s labeled as “Chicken of the Sea”. You can’t write that people! So in this Beyonce, where Beyonce means this person should stop doing movies/TV appearances, I have a cliff note. Jessica may do reality television but NO more movies.