I’m going to guess that Hayden Panettiere’s new ‘Jack and The Beanstalk’ of a boyfriend, Wladimir Klitschko ate his vegetables as a child. He us a Ukrainian heavyweight boxer and I think they only have potatoes there… which helps with the eating vegetables as a child. Anyways, tiny Hayden with her thick and long boxing boyfriend showed up at the Grove here in Los Angeles last night for the premiere of ‘The Perfect Game’.

Hungry to change that school girl image, Hayden Panettiere puts lipsticks stains on cigarettes while sipping champagne for the pages of Lush magazine. Does greasy hair, smudged mascara, and faux smoking make you edgy now?

I can see why people can get excited about this girl. I find her name incredibly hard to type… so to me she is bothersome.

Did someone not tell me that sucking on machine guns was the new cool thing? I’m so uncool.

Hey, hey, hey… here’s Hayden Panettiere loving on the long end of a machine gun for Tyler Shields new book ‘The Dirty Side of Glamour‘.

If you think Hayden is even remotely hot… you MUST watch this video. It’s totes sexy.

I knew you would like it, you’re welcome. What’s going on with all that? Go ahead… watch it again. We don’t judge here.

WTH! What is going on in this photo? It’s totes yucking me out… wait, now I am starting to like it. Looks like someone is trying to change up their image. Hayden, are you going after some of Megan Fox’s rolls?

Hayden Panettiere gets in touch with her lost childhood, looking like a gay man’s dream in a gold glitter bikini.

While Katie Kouric is just ecstatic someone is taking her picture!

WINNER: Hayden’s party hat, for stealing the show!

Image Source: The Grumpiest

Hey Alan did you hit me and I called the police and had you arrested…or was that a dream?

Don’t disrespect me when I have a bottle in my hand woman!

Looks like Hayden Panettiere’s parents have made up. The couple was seen walking their dog around LA together with Lesley showing no visible bruises. The paps of course had many inappropriate questions about the attack which Alan answered.

“It was all blown out of proportion,” adding that “maybe they [the cops] were bored,”-GG

You can work it out guys.

Images Via: Daily Mail

She disrespected me!

That was Hayden’s Panettiere’s father’s lousy excuse for hitting his wife, and Hayden’s manager, Lesley in the face. Not only that but he left a few bruises behind too.

After a charity event for the Whaleman Foundation at Eva Longoria’s restaurant Beso , the couple got in a fight a fight at home because Alan thought Lesley was flirting with other guys. So he hit her because….she disrespected him?

Now Alan Panettiere is in a jail cell and being held on a whopping $50,000 bail. Why Hayden hasn’t used her Heroes money to bail him out is pretty apparent after reading the police report.

‘He got upset and struck the mother in the face one or two times on the left cheek which caused some bruising.

Sounds like we have another Michael Lohan on our hands Hollywood. Let’s all pray he finds Jesus in jail.

Images Via: Gossip Girl

OK so yesterday Hayden leaked her song and the entire entertainment world collectively cringed.

Now we wake up to her releasing the music video, and sadly the only good thing about it is Penn Badgley from Gossip Girl across the dance floor.

We’ve seen my little cousins do better than this in a mirror with a brush for a microphone.

Hayden Panettiere premiered her new song on the Ryan Seacrest Show and boy does it suck a fat one!

“I have spent four years making this album and the music changed so much over the years, just because my life experiences and who I am as a person is obviously reflected in the music.”

The song is called “Wake Up Call” and that’s exactly what Hayden needs if she thinks talk singing to a Jamaican beat is going to work on us.

AAAHH! She’s rapping!

NEXT!