It’s nice to see Jessica Simpson happy and coupled again. She seems to do better with a man on her arm and in her bed. Here she is celebrating her 30th birthday with her new 30lbs that she has put on this year, and her new man ex-NFL player Eric Johnson in Capri.

Let’s hope she can keep this one from becoming a tragic media breakup…. or not.

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Jessica Simpson told The View she’s sick of straights and wants a Gayby with her hair stylist and BFF Ken Paves.

“I can’t wait to have kids. I want to have kids… if I don’t have kids by the time I’m 40, my best friend Ken Paves and I are going to have children!”

Ken, who’s famously Jessica’s BFF, hairstylist and a co-star in The Price of Beauty, was in the audience and shouted out: “I’m trying to convince her to go [for a baby] before I turn 40!” The View ladies were clearly impressed by Ken’s versatility! “He can fix your hair extensions and impregnate you,” Sherri Shepherd pointed out.- Read More

He can also fix your frizzy hair, change diapers and tie you up at the same time, and he has a really mean Botox doctor for after those terrible twos!

In all seriousness, Ken Paves would probably be the most attentive and loving father out of all oh her male conquests. Who else? John Mayer? He’s a boy with a big penis and a guitar. He can’t fawn over Jess and pick up puke at the same time. Nick Lachey? He’d rather host a singing competition than raise kids with Jessica.

Leave it to the gays to pick up the pieces, and decoupage them into a family.

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IT RUBS LOTION ON ITSELF!

Why Jessica? Why?

The Price Of Beauty Thanks La Mer for the upper and lower zone radiant mask.

Did you know that when celebrities Twitter about products that they are then paid by that company. It’s the hippest way to sell out in this era of new media. So is she still a total loser for posting this? It’s a difficult call… but I’ll go with loser. Bored and looking for some media buzz… Jessica Simpson posted this facial photo of her Twitter account.

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Chicken Of The Sea Simpson appeared out of nowhere after John said she was hot in bed, because now she can reclaim her “hottie” status and her Dad-ager knows it. Truth is, Jessica is hardly alluring anymore unless she’s babbling about sex or her not having sex because of her nasty mom jeans. So what if she doesn’t have a perfume, real job, or perfume in sight? Jessica’s still booking covers by talking about ex lovers! DO TELL!

On going brunette while dating John Mayer: “He didn’t make me go brunette! John doesn’t get credit for making me brunette. He’d like to think so, but he doesn’t deserve the credit.”

On turning 30: “I never really thought, growing up, what am I gonna be like when I’m 30? I just kind of thought I had it figured out: I’m going to be this great pop star, have my songs on the radio, be married, and have babies. . . But things can be taken away from you. A song can not be played on the radio. An album can not work.”

On Tony Romo: “I’m still a fan. I’m a huge fan. I wear my gear, and I cheer Tony on. You know, I talked to Tony today. None of my breakups, none of it’s been bitter.”

Finally the curtains match the drapes, in Jessica’s new life. Let’s face it…. Jessica’s not a true talent so she won’t be around forever, and that’s life. We’ll all just have to go on living.

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A: Yawn, we don’t care if she’s fat or not anymore because it was all anyone could talk about last week. Even if she became the State Puff Marshmallow Man-Woman we wouldn’t write about it. Ok …we would but STILL this is the last time we’re talking about it now.

Jessica still wants to talk about it because it’s the only way she can plug her tour, in complete denial saying to the CBS Early Show:

“Honestly, I am right where I’m supposed to be. I am so happy. Right now I’m on tour with Rascal Flatts, having a blast. We’re at Madison Square Garden tomorrow. Everybody’s just been so warm and welcoming. Lots of hugs, I like that.”

A: Yeah guys, everything’s really GREAT! LIke when I cry on stage and don’t remember my songs like the rest of America. I really feel like I’m really growing by having you all denigrate me and my leopard belt! Everyone’s so warm and welcoming.

Jessica’s not letting it get her down though, she’s still smart enough to get that cash and also announced today she’s coming out with a luggage line…. to carry all her food in! Ok sorry, no more fat jokes.

Jessica Simpson is set to release a luggage line for for fall 2009. A full line of luggage, travel bags and business cases made from leather, canvas and nylon in a wide range of styles will be produced by Olivet and hit stores under the Jessica Simpson Collection label this fall.

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A: Since Britney’s all better and Lindsay’s a lesbian we can spend our idle time tearing down Jessica Simpson now! Apparently she’s performed last night and forgot lyrics to her songs (didn’t we all?) and even started crying on stage because Tony Romo her “love” was a no show!!

Everyone’s talking about it but we didn’t really even care about her enough to break her down.

B: OMG she’s not even the headliner! She’s opening for Rascal Flats.

A: She forgot the words and asked to start over!

“Jessica had an off night. She’s a perfectionist and wanted to start some songs over. She always wants to give the best performance for her fans.”

B: You are a performer which means you keep it going!

L: Is that how it works i didn’t know.

B: You never do that you just look bad.

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A: This was the original cover of US Weekly but our President got bumped for a bigger story.

LAUER: But I wanna show you the cover. Look what they did. They � they took you off the cover.

OBAMA: Yeah.

LAUER: They took you out of it.

OBAMA: It � it�s � it�s a little hurtful.

LAUER: You got replaced by Jessica Simpson.

OBAMA: Yeah, who�s losing a weight battle apparently. (LAUGHTER) Yeah. Oh, well.

A: OMG our president’s current on the gossip! Watch the video where he dryly comments on media coverage, just fast forward until 10:30.

L: The 7 pounds that shook a nation.

A: Just wear mom jeans and a leopard belt at a chili cookoff and YOU TOO can be on the cover of US Weekly.

L: Presidents – They’re Just Like Jessica, Who’s Just Like Us

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A: Jessica probably shopped her ass off for the last two days to find the perfect outfit for the final stop on her tour no one knew about, in Charlottesville, Virginia. Thanking her fans and her new leather pants for their support.

‘Please remember, no matter what you go through in life, somebody else might have it harder. I feel like in our world today we focus on so many things that are completely pointless.Thank you for your support. Stay positive, and pray out loud.’

Did she just call me FAT?

Jessica Simpson must be eating up all this hefty press. Her weight has become such a hot topic they’re having the Editor of People Magazine, Galina Espinoza, and a model come on The Today Show and come up with words to explain the phenomenon!

�Jessica Simpson is becoming part of this trend we call body-bullying,� Espinoza told Morales. �People are cruelly mocking her, making her feel like there is something wrong with her just because she has a slightly fuller figure. It�s something that�s going on increasingly in Hollywood.�

Body Bullying?! Bitch PLEASE! Try living in West Hollywood , CA where if you frequent McDonald’s you’re invisible. Don’t you agree Jessica?

DAMN TOOTIN’!

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A: We’ve figure out the reason Jessica Simpson is overweight, she never finished her exercise video! Jesssica is facing a $10 million breach of contract lawsuit from fitness company Speedfit for not filiming her DVD in 2005.

The problem? Jessica showed up “tipsy” and in no shape to teach fitness so father Joe didn’t allow the DVD to be released.

An insider tells Radaronline.com, “Jessica was a mess during that shoot. They asked her to come back and reshoot, but she refused, and that’s why she’s facing a lawsuit now.”

No one wants Jessica’s mom arms now! Come on Jessica say it with me! Lift it 4, and 3, and 2, and 1, exhale down.

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A: If you were one of those nasty people laughing at Jessica Simpson’s weight gain ever since she went country….then welcome to the club! Getting fat in Hollywood gets you more press these days than releasing a film! It’s only a matter of weeks before we see Jessica on the cover of US Weekly under the headline “How I Lost 20lbs By Only Eating Game Day Food”.

All the stars are coming to her rescue and speaking out so now we all have to shut up …..and laugh at her leopard belt tricks quietly.

When I saw that picture, I knew everyone was going to say something. And I thought, ‘You know what? Leave Jessica alone!’ She’s fabulous, she’s a really sweet girl, and I admire her for putting up with it.”- Kim Kardashian

When asked about what she thinks of the whole Jessica Simpson weight gain talks, Miss Cyrus quickly replied, “I don’t think she’s fat!”

A: They should have asked Miley if she’d like to have Jessica Simpson’s figure.
L: Let’s go get some Big Macs, we need the press.
A: 2 for $3.50!

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